On Anger and Sadness

I've  been trying to write this post for at least a year now, but I never could get the words out right.  At the same time, I didn't want to just forget and move on with the next post like nothing happened.  This has consumed the last 18 months and is still part of my life, a part I wish would go away.

It started as postpartum depression, now it's just depression.  I guess I should have known when I came home with the twins that things weren't quite like the last time I had come home from the hospital. Landon's health issues had me on edge.  He was just so tiny, and those leads that kept him attached to the monitor kept me worrying about him.  He and Juliana adapted well to life at home.  The kind sisters in our ward set up a schedule to come over and help me during the first week, and it was such a relief.  It wasn't really about them doing anything, like cleaning or organizing.  I was just about having someone there, someone to talk to.  Later my parents came into town and my mom stayed for 2 more weeks to help out.  She was trying to help, I know, but I was still on edge and everything seemed to get on my nerves.

After she left we settled into a routine and I had to start getting ready to go back to work in just a few weeks, but I knew things weren't going very well.  I was managing ok, but the nights were killing me.  Andrew and I tried different strategies: getting up at the same time so we could go back to sleep sooner, taking turns getting up with the kids, having  one of us stay late and take the midnight shift while the other went to bed early and took the early morning shift,but we were both still exhausted.   I could barely get through the day and then I dreaded the nights.  I lost count of the times I yelled at Andrew and I texted him the words "I can't do this anymore."

Finally, when the twins were about 5 months old, I realized I needed help.  It's funny, when I had talked about it with my doctor, right after the birth,  I was completely on board;  if I started struggling, I would call him and ask for help, but when the time came, I couldn't.  I felt like my anger was justified somehow.  I felt like Andrew wasn't doing enough (he was), and Amber was always getting in the way (she wasn't) and the babies never slept (they did, of course).  I also felt like I needed to put up a front and act like things were fine.  I slowly realized how stupid that was.  I opened up to my friends, who had been having some of the same struggles, and I called the doctor's office.  And life has sort of gone back to normal, a less anxious, more muted, more peaceful normal.

 I think one of the hardest things about this has been accepting depression, and especially medication, as the new normal.  At the beginning, I thought I just needed what my doctor called a "boost" and and after a few months I'd be done, fine.  I've tried weaning myself of the antidepressants twice, but after a week or two, I feel that irrational anger and irritability coming back.

The thing is, I am my father's daughter.  I'm stoic, optimistic, a "suck it up and keep going" type of person most of the time.  And even though I have been taking medication for physical ailments for more than 25 years, taking antidepressants sometimes still makes me feel like I'm weak, like I can't deal with life without some kind of crutch.  But I'm also my mother's daughter, and my grandparents' grandchild, and I can't ignore their history of depression, now that it's a part of my own life, too.

Juliana

Where do I start with little Juliana.  Maybe I should start with her name.  It's a name that has become increasingly popular in the last few years, but that's not the reason we chose it.   It's because of this lovely woman, my paternal great-grandmother.  

Great-grandma Julia (Juliana) - photo taken at a studio in Temesvar

I have always had a bit o f a fascination with Grandma Julia.  I only met her when I was 6, and she passed away shortly after, a week short of her 100th birthday, but I've asked my parents time and again to tell me the story of how she and Great-grandpa Joszef moved from Germany to Temesvar (now Timisoara, Romania) and then decided to emmigrate to Argentina. As I grew up, I also became very familiar with some of the harder moments in her life.  She had several children (7, I believe) , but only 3 of them survived it beyond infancy.  She also lost her husband in her 40's.  Thanks to one my grandpa's sisters, there is a brief history of Julia and her family as they left their homeland and raised their family in a new country.  I haven't been able to find any information about her parents or her family, but so many family history records are released every year that I'm sure I'll find something one of these days.

Juliana posing (cheeky girl)

 Going back to her great-great-granddaughter, Juliana is very sweet.  She's very cuddly, especially with her dad.  Very much a daddy's girl, like her older sister. She has round, beautifully expressive eyes. She's a bit shy around strangers but warms up after a while and loves to flirt once she's comfortable with someone.  She's quite vocal  and has learned quite a few words already:  Mom, Papi, where are you? (weh ah youhh), tummy, kitty, banana (which she uses for any type of food) and fishy.  She also loves to dance, sometimes at inappropriate moments.  Just a few weeks ago, we were in church, singing  a hymn, and she thought that was great dancing music :)  Same thing with the National Anthem during the presidential inauguration.

Great-grandma would love this little namesake of hers.  

What a difference a year makes

Back in December of 2011 I noticed something was wrong with Landon's eyes. Juliana seemed to be focusing on things really well, in fact surprisingly well for a 3-month old, but Landon's eyes seemed to move back and forth without focusing and when he did focus both eyes, he was usually looking far to one side. Here's an example:

The back-and-forth eye movement reminded me of something I had read at work about the horizontal nystagmus test (one of the field sobriety tests performed when a driver is pulled over on suspicion of DUI), so I googled "infant nystagmus". Big mistake, huge! There were all these posts from parents of children with ocular albinism and other conditions that had left their children almost blind or legally blind. Just what the mother of an infant wants to read...  I kept thinking he'd need surgery and wouldn't be able to drive, or he'd need lots of help in school, and it went on and on in my head.

Well, I took Landon to our family doctor. He was familiar with strabismus (lazy eye) but not nystagmus, so he referred me to a pediatric ophthalmologist. Cue Dr. Brooks. I took Landon in to see Dr. Brooks right after Christmas that year and he saw a fairly typical case of idiopathic congenital nystagmus (idiopathic means that there is no know cause for it).  He did not see any signs of neurological abnormalities and then checked, as much as he could in such a young patient, for actual vision problems.  At that time it would just be a waiting game.  He could end up with serious vision problems or he could end up seeing well in spite of his eye movement.

Landon had 2 follow-up appointments last year and one just this week, and we have had better and better news as he's grown older.  The nystagmus is still there, and will be there all his life, but it has slowed down significantly.  After several tests, it looks like he may only be slightly nearsighted, but that's to be expected.  Nearsightedness runs in the family.  We will still need to wait and see because we'll find out how much he really sees once he can communicate better, but right now he's only a month behind his sister when it comes to developmental milestones, so we are relieved and hopeful.

What a difference a year makes, indeed.

So, I've started writing several times and, for some reason, couldn't put together a post and publish it.  Part of it was just being so busy during the past year, especially during the first few months.  Part of it was postpartum depression. Part of it was going back to work and doing freelance work on the side.  Well, the twins are 1 year old.  Amber is in kindergarten.  And I'm back.

Introducing...

Landon Gregory and Juliana Lynn.  They were born August 26th via c-section and are now home and doing very well.

Landon (left) and Juliana (right)

I had planned on uploading another post  a few days ago with the names we'd chosen.  I figured I had time until September 1st, the date of my scheduled c-section. WRONG!


I had been having  random Braxton Hicks contractions for a couple of weeks and had had 3-4 actual contractions. No real signs of impending labor.  Thursday night, I had a pretty bad headache, almost a migraine, so I took something for it and went to bed.  I was  feeling very uncomfortable because both babies were really high, basically hitting my ribs,  but I  managed to sleep in one long stretch until 4:00 a.m. thanks to the headache medicine.  I got up to go to the bathroom and it was then that my water broke.  Well, time to call the doctor. This was at about 4:30- 4:45.
 

 He had us go to Labor & Delivery so I could be checked.  We got Amber  ready and dropped her off at a friend's house, then headed to St. Luke's hospital.  Thank goodness for the fact that we live in a small(ish town).  As we kept driving,  I kept leaking amniotic fluid (TMI, I know)  and I was starting regret the fact I didn't bring more towels with me.

Once at the hospital, they confirmed I was in labor.  They hooked me up to monitors in triage and saw that I was having some mild contractions and babies were doing fine, but it was Landon's water that had broken.

 At first they were going to have me wait  and said they would take care of another c-section already scheduled for 7:00.  That was fine with me, but when they called my doctor, he told them he'd be doing my c-section first, so they started prepping me and gave Andrew his scrubs while we waited for him to come in.   He got there quickly, and we were in the Operating Room in a matter of minutes.  

The anesthesiologist (the same I had last time  - who was awesome) started the spinal block.  I had some not so fun side effects (mostly dry heaving), but they passed fairly quickly.  Andrew came in and the rest was a blur of activity.  Cutting, clamping, pulling, and out comes Landon, crying.  Then some pushing (by the doctor and nurses) and moving around and Juliana comes out, crying as well.  Landon was born at 7:26 a.m. and Juliana at 7:27 a.m.

Andrew helped clean up both babies, took some pics and asked the nurses to take a couple.

   I was then wheeled to recovery, where I spent a few hours.  In the meantime, Andrew went up to the nursery with both babies.  I finally got to see them at about 1:00 p.m.

 It looks like Juliana took  a lot of Landon's food over the past few weeks.  Although he was baby A and seemed to have more room to grow during the pregnancy, he weighed 5 lbs 6.8 oz at birth (he measured 19.5") , while Juliana weighed 6 lbs 6 oz (she measured 21.5").  So far they've both been eating well and they really like being in the same bassinet (I love watching them).  Their little personalities are starting to show :)

We are in so much trouble....

What's the story? (Part III - up to date)

I guess I forgot that some of my (3.5) readers didn't know what we're having.  I just assumed I'd told everyone in person, via email or Facebook.  Obviously not.

Well, we are having a boy and a girl :)  Here are a couple of snapshots from the 20 week ultrasound in April (could have posted these 3+ months ago, I know...)

 Baby boy

 Baby girl

 ...and a little sibling rivalry in utero

Andrew and Amber came with me to the ultrasound.  Amber was kind of interested in the babies, but mostly it was a bit boring: dark room, not much talking, a TV with no cartoons.  The ultrasound tech was very sweet and gave her paper and crayons, which entertained her for most of the time.  Andrew was just hoping at least one of the babies would be a boy, so he was watching the screen very closely.  Well, the first baby she scanned was Baby Girl, and Andrew just couldn't help it:  "Can you go over and scan the other baby before you measure this one?"  The tech responded with a firm "No", and let him squirm for a few more minutes.  Once she found everything was fine with Baby A (girl), she moved on to Baby B.  I think Andrew's exact words were "Is it just wishful thinking, or am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"  Yep, Baby B =  boy.

  The weeks after that ultrasound seemed to go by slowly, but starting at about 27-28 weeks, it feels like everything sped up and we're now at 35 weeks, only 5 weeks away from the due date.  Because Amber had to be delivered via c-section, my doctor didn't want to put the babies or me at risk and scheduled a repeat c-section.  That will be on September 1st, a little more than 3 weeks away!   I KNOW!

Right now, we're trying to prepare as much as we can, but I have a feeling we won't have time to do all the things we'd like to do before these babies get here. Oh well, at least their room is painted...

What's the story? (part II)

Caution: I will be using the words "ovary", "eggs", and "fertility" in this post. You have been warned.

Where was I...? Oh yes, New Year's Eve and the positive pregnancy test. 

Well, I was very excited, but I the same time I kept second guessing myself.  Had I tested too soon?  Were the hormones from the trigger shot still in my body? A trigger shot is HCG injection that releases eggs once they're mature. HCG is also the pregnancy hormone detected by pregnancy test, so testing too soon could show a false positive.  I know, you're hearing much more about my medical/reproductive health than you ever wanted to know.  So, I figured I would test the next day, see if the 2nd line on the test grew fainter or darker.  Well, on New Year's Day, I took another test and the line was darker, so I felt pretty confident this wasn't just leftover HCG from the trigger shot.  I decided to send a picture text to my parents to surprise them with the news (they didn't know we gone through fertility treatments in December).  I send the text and a few minutes later my mom calls. "Really? Are you sure?" " Yes, Mom, pretty sure, although it's very, very early."  Meanwhile, in the background, my dad keeps asking "Is it hers?"  No, Dad, I just go around stealing/randomly taking pictures of other women's positive pregnancy tests. 

Well, the pregnancy was confirmed later that week at the doctor's office and a date set for an ultrasound a few weeks later, at the end of January.  In the meantime, you know how I was talking about second guessing myself?  I did plenty of that while I waited for the for the date of the ultrasound.  Was I still pregnant? The symptoms were different. Did that mean anything? 

Well, the date of the ultrasound finally arrived.  Andrew had to work that day, so I went by myself.  The tech started the ultrasound and everything looked normal.  "There's the baby. Everything looks great so far,"  she said.  I told her about some of my symptoms, some of the aches and pains I had been feeling in my belly, which I thought might have to do with the injections and how they had stimulated my ovaries.  She offered to check their size, make sure things were getting back to normal.  As she moved the ultrasound probe,  all of a sudden, this bubble moved across the screen.  'What was THAT?' I thought.  "There are two!" the tech blurted out. Talk about shock.  I knew that, because of my age, the chances of a multiples pregnancy were higher, but at the same time, there were fewer mature eggs during this cycle than the number I had when we conceived Amber, so I didn't think  having twins was a possibility.

This picture is actually of the 2nd  ultrasound, two weeks later.  

I left the fertility clinic in a bit of a daze.  Was this really happening?  I sent a picture message of the ultrasound to Andrew... no answer. I called a while later... voice mail.   Alright, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I headed over to Andrew's work and handed him the ultrasound pictures.  "Doce?" (12 in Spanish)  "No, no, not twelve! Just two," I said.  After a laugh and congratulations from Andrew's co-workers, now there were two of us in a daze.  We talked for a little while and it was time for me to let him go back to work and leave.  We shared the news with family and friends, still trying to come to grips with the news.  Now, assuming everything went well, we had to wait another 12 weeks (3 months) to find what we were having (babies, of course)....

What's the story, morning glory? (part I)

Well, I figured it was about time I posted an update.  Every time I look at that baby ticker on the right, it keeps whispering "well, are you gonna post anything? only 6/5/4 months left, heeellooo!"

Here's the story:

As most of you may know, we went through fertility treatments to conceive Amber.  I wasn't sure if/when we'd have the chance to have more children.  In the fall of 2009, Andrew told me he thought it was time to try again.  I felt the same way, but the day after we talked about it , he lost his job, so we had to put things on hold. Andrew decided to sign up at the local college to get a degree as a surgical technologist, which would take about 2 1/2 years.  He started his first semester in January 2010.  During the next few months, I found myself getting used to the idea that maybe we were not going to be able to have any more children. By the time he could finish his degree and secure a job, I would be almost or already 40 years old, and I felt uneasy going through treatments after that age.

Andrew went through his first 3 semesters, doing very well and preparing to apply for the Surgical Tech program  in March of this year (he'd been working on prerequisites).  Sometime in  late October/ early November of last year, he approached me again and said he felt it was time for us to try to have another child.  I was stunned.  Here we are, he's not even halfway through the program, I'm working part-time and doing freelance work. It just didn't seem like the right time to me. Still, I thought and prayed about it, and started feeling that maybe we could make it work. We agreed we would only do one round (one month) of fertility treatments.  If it worked, wonderful. If it didn't, we would wait or eventually decide not to try again.

We met with our doctor and she suggested we replicate the treatment that helped us conceive Amber.  We started treatment at the beginning of December (injections, yay!).  We were done with the injections by mid December; now we had to get through the dreaded 2-week wait.  There isn't much you can do during those two weeks, other than over analyze every symptom you think  you have and count down the days until you can find out whether or not you're pregnant.  I had symptoms, but I didn't know if I should chalk them up to the side effects of the injections or (secretly) hope I was pregnant.

Finally, New Year's Eve came around and I could not wait any longer.  I stocked up on pregnancy tests and took one of them that day. 

two lines!

It's over!

At last!  The long-awaited (by me) ending to The Willow story.  So, last month, after doing some preliminary cutting and pruning, we had a few friends over to help us cut down the willow.

There was much pulling

Sawing and clipping

A little stomping

Even more sawing

A few casualties

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And an oops or two

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was all over within a couple of hours, so we can't complain.  You would not believe how different the house looks without the willow in the front yard. Several neighbors drove by and looked sad about our getting rid of the tree, but based on the complaints made to our HOA, I think they were all lying :P.

Here's the climactic ending tot he Willow Saga, and the source of the post title:

Tomorrow, tomorrow, la la la , tomorrow

When we first bought our house, Andrew and I were pretty excited about all the trees that came with it.  10-12 trees lining the back fence, 3 others in the backyard closer to the house, and 2 trees up front.  Well, within the first couple of years of living here, our excitement over said trees waned significantly. And now we're at the point of "can we just cut down that tree already?!" One of the trees that has made me utter such statement is THE WILLOW.

According to our neighbors, there were 2 or 3 of guys who lived in this house 10-12 years ago, and they planted every tree we inherited with the house.  Apparently, this willow (which towers about 10 ft over our house) was first this tiny, flimsy little seedling that was not supposed to last more than a few weeks. Well, he (she/it) showed them!  It's not just the sheer size of it.   It's the fact that the roots are going everywhere, and threatening to mess up our driveway and the sidewalk, the leaves (oh, the leaves) in the fall, the fuzzies (or whatever they're called) in spring. Not to say that's it's not a fun tree. There are lots of things you can do with a gargantuan weeping willow...

Jeepin'.  Summer of 2006 (2 a.m.)

Our initials

 But the nuisances outweigh the fun, so go it must.

Well, this spring and summer, Andrew (with the help of friends) has been taking down most of the trees lining the fence, and he's decided to tackle the willow this weekend (happy dance!).  Today he spent some time cutting down some long, skinny branches.

To be continued tomorrow...

Hello again!

I LOVE the new template designer tool on Blogger.  This is my first try at it, but I'll probably keep playing with backgrounds, fonts,etc for a while.  It's too much fun!

Anyway, the past couple of months have been busy:

 - I'm still working at the courthouse. My boss was on maternity leave, so I worked (mostly) full time for about 6 weeks.  My schedule is almost back to normal.  Two full days a week and then freelance work.

 - Amber is now a Sunbeam!  The first few weeks in January were a little tough.  She wanted to go back to Nursery and play with toys, but she adapted in a few weeks and she's loving her  new class and teacher.

 - Andrew started college classes on January 19th.  He's attending the College of Western Idaho and is doing very well.  Mostly A's and B's!

Well, that's a quick catch-up of the beginning of the 2010. I'll be back soon with other posts.

Lost

No, not the show! The title refers to the challenge to read the Book of Mormon in 30 days.  Remember I mentioned I had fallen behind?  Well, I'm still reading.  It turns out my reading speed is nowhere near what I thought it was.  I decided the worst thing I could do, once the 30 days were over, was to just give up and stop reading.  So here I am, in the middle of Alma... I'll keep you posted with my progress.

Merry Christmas

Every time Christmas comes around, Amy Grant's  "Breath of Heaven" is one of my favorite songs to play. About 15 years ago, while I was attending LDS Business College, I had this wonderful Old Testament and choir instructor, Sister Margot Butler.  One day, a few weeks before Christmas, we were sitting in choir practice, and Sister Butler brought a CD to play for us.  There was this beautiful painting of Mary, the mother of Jesus on one of the walls of the choir room. Sister Butler asked us to look at that painting as we listened to the song. I wish I could find an image of this painting on the internet, but have never been able to find one. Anyway, I think that painting is an accurate depiction of the following verse in the song:

Do you wonder

As you watch my face

If a wiser one should've had my place

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me

This video takes me back to that time 15 years ago, as I listened to that song, trying to imagine what Mary thought and felt as she was told of the mission she was to fulfill. 

We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.  Ours was lovely.

As for my Book of Mormon challenge, I have fallen behind (not to proud of that, hence the small font), but I am working on catching up.

I will

How long has it been since I read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover?  Ohhh, probably some 20 years or so.  There, it's out in the open. I haven't read it all the way through since my seminary days.

Last Sunday, our bishopric issued the challenge of reading the Book of Mormon in 30 days.  One of the best ways to keep the Christmas season focused on Christ, as it should be.  I've decided to take up the challenge.

I'll keep you posted on my progress...

Misconstrued

Andrew:  Amber, can you get Daddy's boots?

Amber:  Your boots?

Andrew:  Yeah, can you get Daddy's boots?

5 minutes later...

Amber:  Here you go!  Here's your boots!

Happy (Quarantine) Birthday!

I meant to do a birthday post for Amber last week, but as some of you may know, we've had a flu outbreak in our house.   Number of victims: 2 (Bucky and I *seem* to have escaped it - *seem* being the operative word). We've barely left the house or allowed anyone to come in for the past 7-10 days.

I was just thinking, this time three years ago, we had just spent our first full day home with Amber.  It's so crazy to think it's been three years!  Just yesterday, I was going through Amber's box (my collection of stuff from her first year), and found this:

 I remember we (well, I) had a whole list of names before she was born, but we couldn't decide on one. Andrew hated the ones I liked, and I hated the ones he liked.  I had been playing with my mom's and Andrew's mom's middle names, but nothing seemed to come together. I found the name Amber in a book and added at the top of the list.  Then one day, Andrew told me "How about Amber Marie?" And that was it.  He had it written on that same sheet of paper:

Anyway, I had also planned on having a small birthday party (more like a big playdate) for Amber on the 9th  but that didn't happen either because Andrew was already sick, and Amber was getting sick, so we'll see when I can do a "Better-late-than-Never" party.  In spite of feeling sick, Amber had a good day. She spent the morning at Tammy's while I worked in Cascade and then, once Andrew came home that evening, she opened presents and her awesome Daddy made her a cake.  Check it out...

Sprinkles as far as the eye can see, inside and out...

A birdseye view

Amber had already received a couple of birthday gifts from  my parents while they were in town last weekend (more on that in another post). They got her two new friends, Buzz and Woody, and she's been playing with them since she got them.

This just means they're friends, in Amber's world. No funny business...

And  they also gave her a pretty pretty princess (as an old friend of mine used to say)

We got her a goofy elephant and a bunch of whos...

 

and some flying friends too:

It was a nice, quiet birthday, and it was great!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

 

I remember...

I spent a few hours this afternoon writing down my memories of September 11th.  Then I hit Publish and realized I had been logged off from Blogger for who knows how long.  I took that as a sign. Maybe I'll share those memories another time.  For now, it's enough for me to know that I haven't forgotten...

True Love is...

Missing out on seeing these guys in concert...

Slipknot
This is the only photo I could find where they were not wearing make up.
When they do (wear make up) they're SCARY!

... so your wife can meet this guy...

Blake Shelton



Thank you, Honey! I love you!

Spring and Summer Photographic Overload

Here are the long ago promised pictures from the past few months (April through July). Click on each picture to see the album for the month.

April '09

May '09

June '09

July '09

I'm still in the process of downloading the pics from our trip to Seattle (at the end of July), so those will come a little bit later (hopefully not in another two months, haha ... no, really).

Back again...rambling on

As usual, every few months, it seems I (we) fall off the face of the Earth, in blogging terms. I suppose I could say I have a valid reason for slacking off on my blogging duties, but I'd be lying, because I don't, really. I can't say nothing exciting has happened in the last 2 months, because we've done plenty of fun stuff. I can't say "I simply don't have the time," because I do, in fact, have time. I just seem to spend most of it checking out other people's blogs and playing on Facebook.

I have never been a good/consistent journal writer. I have never been a good writer, period. You've heard that saying: "Those who can't do, teach." Well, in my case, it would be "Those who can't write, translate," or interpret, in my case. In college, I had a hard time writing a cohesive 5 page paper. 5 pages! Can you imagine me going on to grad school and trying to write a dissertation? I mean, have you seen most of the posts on this blog? 2-3 paragraphs tops. I guess my dreams of being a Dooce /CJane /Amelia are now dashed. * (sad, so sad :P)

I am back, nonetheless, and there will be camping, spring and summer pictures coming up soon.

* If you don't know who these bloggers are, the first two are well known cheeky / sarcastic / entertaining bloggers that have a fairly large followings in the blogosphere. The 3rd one is my sis-in-law, and those three adjectives I just mentioned apply to her blog as as well.